The Phantom Takes a Road Trip
by The Real Christine Daae
Summary: I'm baaaaaccckkk! Muahahahahaaaaa! After a long abscence in writing my Phantom parodies, I was inspired to do a "road trip" scenario to humorize my drive from Phoenix to Orlando!


Hello to you all!!! I know I have been a little remiss in my phiction writing, but hey, I had an excuse! I just moved to Orlando! Yeah! Point being the inspiration for my latest phiction! A big thanks to Lisa for her help in creating this abomination to the Phantom characters . . . no I don't claim to own any of the Phantom characters . . . blah blah blah, you know the routine. . . so go ahead and start reading!!!  
  
*Warning* . . . Therein lies a very good chance you will bust a gut or pee your pants. Wear Depends and proceed with caution!!!  
  
  
Story:  
Erik, Christine, Raoul, and Meg take off on a road trip to Disney World in their brand new VW Bug! Erik is driving with Christine sitting shotgun and Meg and Raoul are in the backseat.  
  
  
Erik: Christine my love, aren't you excited about our trip to Disney World? We have talked about going there for so long!  
  
Christine: Yes darling, it will be so much fun! And I spent all that time studying the map for you, so I know the exact way to get there!  
  
Raoul: I still don't see why I had to take the backseat! (Pouts and crosses arms roughly as he slumps into his seat)  
  
Meg: Don't be such a grouch! It's not like I enjoy being crammed next to you for this drive!  
  
Raoul: (Sticks tongue out at Meg defiantly)  
  
Christine: Raoul, dear, be nice. It's a long way there so just please shut up. (Smiles and turns to unfold her map.)  
  
Erik: Ok, we are about to pull onto the highway, so tell me which one of these entry ramps to get on.  
  
Christine: (flips map over with much difficulty because it is way too large for her to handle in the small confined space) Umm . . . highway 99 west.  
  
Erik: West? Are you sure darling?  
  
Christine: Of course! (Erik takes the entry ramp and Christine stares out the window with a dazed stare)  
  
Raoul: Ok, listen up Meg! You see this line on the seat? (Points his finger to the stitching on the backseat) Everything on this half of the line is mine. Don't you dare cross it!  
  
Meg: That's not fair! That side is bigger! (In a whiney voice) Christine! Raoul is cheating!  
  
Christine: Raoul! You know better than that! And please stop fighting, Erik is trying to concentrate on the road! Here (hands them some candy) eat this and please behave.  
  
Raoul: (turning down the candy) You know I don't like that kind.  
  
Meg: (Swipes the candy from Christine's hand, including Raoul's portion) Thanks! (tosses a few pieces into her mouth and empties some Pixie sticks onto her tongue)  
  
Raoul: Gross! (Grimacing at the drooling mess next to him) Just stay away from me with your sticky fingers!  
  
Erik: Stop it both of you before I turn this car around right now!  
  
Christine: Erik, dear. Just pay attention to the road. I'll take care of these two. (Turns around and slaps them both)  
  
Raoul and Meg: OW!!! What was that for?  
  
Christine: Oh sorry, I simply don't know what came over me. (Goes back to actively staring out the window)  
  
  
Three hours later . . .  
  
  
Meg: (now bouncing around the ENTIRE backseat of the car due to an uncontrollable sugar rush) Are we there yet? When are we going to get there? I have to pee! I want to stop for lunch. Are we there yet?  
  
Raoul: Yeah, that's it, ask Erik just one more time if we're there yet. I don't think he heard you.  
  
Erik: That's it! The next person to ask me if we are there yet is going to get punjabed!  
  
(Raoul and Meg grow very silent and wide-eyed for a moment, then Meg resumes her bouncing)  
  
Christine: Erik, I think they are bored. What should we do to pass the time?  
  
Erik: Give them laudanum and let them sleep the rest of the way!  
  
Christine: (her eyes actually shining a little brighter for a moment) I have an idea! We can play car games!  
  
(Moans ensue from the backseat that Christine duly ignores)  
  
Christine: I know my favorite game! (claps hands together with delight) We can play Slugbug!  
  
Erik: Christine, must we play that stupid game? Can't we just sing idiotic car songs until we are hoarse?  
  
Raoul: No! I like the game Slugbug! (Hits Meg in the arm hard)  
  
Meg: What the heck did you do that for? (Rubbing her bruised arm)  
  
Raoul: Just practicing.  
  
Meg: (punches him back) Well so am I!  
  
Raoul: (Starts to whimper and pucker his lower lip) No fair! You hit me when I wasn't expecting it!  
  
Meg: Ha! Look at Rowly! He's gonna cry!  
  
Raoul: No I'm not! (Starting to tear up)  
  
Christine: (looking out the window) Ooh I see a bug! (Slugs Erik in the arm)  
  
Erik: Ouch! Not while I'm driving!  
  
Christine: But I saw one! (Puckers lip out and pouts)  
  
Erik: Christine, (Sighs) that was the reflection of our car in your mirror.  
  
Christine: Really? (Dazed dumb look in her eyes and starts to look out the window again)  
  
Meg: (Resumes bouncing on the seat) Are we there y...  
  
(Slap!)  
  
Erik: I told you not to start that again!  
  
Raoul: And I can't stand your bouncing another moment! (Rolls the window down and shoves Meg through it!)  
  
Christine: Raoul! I can't believe you just did that!  
  
Erik: I can! Geez she was getting on my nerves! You know, some people can be a little too cute!  
  
Raoul: Ahhh (Stretches out in the back) The whole back to myself at last!  
  
Christine: Too cute? Isn't that just what you call me? (Looks out the window and sees a large blob-ish looking woman sitting on the roadside with her thumb out) Pull over!  
  
Erik: Huh? Why?  
  
Christine: Well if Meg was too cute, then maybe you would prefer someone a little less cute! Now pull over! (She grabs Erik's ear and pinches hard)  
  
Erik: OW! Ok, I'm pulling over!  
  
Raoul: (looking out the window at the approaching woman) No! You can't do that to me!  
  
Erik: Hush! You know Christine is the boss here!  
  
Christine: (Smiling at Erik) That's right darling!  
  
(The car pulls up to the woman and her size reaches maximum believability next to the small car)  
  
Raoul: Is she even gonna fit? (Gaping at the enormous mass outside the window) We're gonna need on heck of a shoe horn to get her in here!  
  
Christine: Hush! (Rolls the window down) Hi! What's your name? Where are you headed?  
  
Carlotta: My name is Carlotta. I'm headed wherever cutie pie in the backseat is going. (winks and waves at Raoul who is currently smooshing himself into the farthest point of the car)  
  
(She crams herself inside the tiny car taking up most of the backseat. If Raoul hadn't already squeezed into the corner, it wouldn't have mattered . . .)  
  
Christine: Ooh! Slugbug! (Punches Erik in the arm)  
  
Carlotta: Slugbug! Where? (Hits Raoul in the arm VERY HARD)  
  
Erik: Christine. . . that was our car again! (Sighs . . .)  
  
Christine: Oh, right! Now where were we again? (Resumes her endless searching of the map for the correct direction) Oops!  
  
Erik: What do you mean "oops"?  
  
Christine: Ha ha! I had the silly thing upside down! We were supposed to be going East on the 66! Silly me!  
  
Erik: Silly Me? SILLY ME? That is all you have to say? We have driven for 9 hours in the wrong direction for nothing?!!  
  
Christine: I'm sorry . . . the map did say take this route to Disney World!  
  
Erik: (pulling the car over) Give me that map! (Snatches it from her) You twit! Not only did you have it upside down, but you had us going to Disneyland instead of Disney World!  
  
Christine: Oh, that would explain the nice weather. It's so nice here in California.  
  
Erik: (Outraged . . . jumps out of the car to breathe) I don't believe this!  
  
Raoul: Does this mean I can get out too?  
  
Carlotta, Erik, and Christine: NO!  
  
Erik: Well this is just great! Now we have to go back the way we came and start all over again! Christine! Are you even listening to me?  
  
Christine: (Staring off into space) Huh? Were you talking to me?  
  
Erik: Argghhhh! (Jumps back into the car and slams the door)  
  
Christine: (Jumps back in with him and gets a bright look in her eyes) SLUGBUG!!!  
  
  
  
... to be continued! 


End file.
